“Yohan…Yohan…it’s time for the morning prayer. Wake up my brother!”
The beautiful and handsome and perfectly delightful and adorable brother Yohan, was a deep and prophetic princely virgin priest. At 19 years of age, his eyes opened with a fresh enthusiasm.
Father Yohan, a single child of a widowed mother from a close by village, was a delicate and gentle and above all with a heart like the sun boy, who fell in love with the creator of all heaven and earth on one of his teenage mischievous adventures.
On that day, the perfect prince and his beloved friend Sarah were up to no good, partaking of the sacred tree bark the village grandma had secretly and with a cheeky smile smuggled for them.
This was the first time he had tried this. O how he loved the first time for everything! That spontaneous and fresh spark of life which goes off the moment something new is born from thinking into being, and the inspiration he felt in his heart, stirred his soul to reach forward to a bright and sunny future.
At that time, the 16 year old peasant prince, hand to hand with the 14 year old mistress Sarah, ran out of the village grandma’s house; the door behind opened with grandma Scarlet grinning from ear to ear, watching them run wildly into the surrounding fields.
This cheeky devil of a woman, known for her profound elderly wisdom, had many tricks up he sleeves, playing them playfully on the world around her. Practicing for years, she had mastered the art of being a free-flowing, spontaneous and playful spirit.
This had resulted in Yohan and the ever-so bubbly and bright-eyed beauty called Sarah, to be around her at all times, just short of chaining themselves to her bosom.
The beautiful grin of the warrior elder was the blessing of the universe for what was about to take place. Running through the forest, like wild deer, ripples of excitement shot itself up around this universe-united pair.
“Come on Sarah!”
“I am coming! O’ my…”
Deep into the Pine forest they ran to their secret spot. The tall and strong trees, secure and established deeply by painstakingly earned roots, which they developed through longsuffering of the decades of growth, watched with a knowing smile.
Magic bark in hand, as the two lovers ran, unbeknownst to them the universe also ran. The ants were jumping for joy, the eagle was staring and the gentle breeze kept hugging their cheeks. The great mother, the earth and all her beauty, opened herself up for an ancient hug.
Full of life and vibrant, filled with hope and inspired by the breath of life, Sarah and Yohan entered into the cave.
“We need to make a fire, remember what gran said?!”
Quickly Sarah ran out while yelling “get everything else ready prince!”
Yohan loved when Sarah, the princess of life, called him that.
By the fire and sticks and cave floor sat the 2 soul-mates on a brown cotton cloth, side by side, thighs touching, Yohan put the magic bark in the bowl, adding the extra ingredients as grandma instructed.
“Don’t add too much of the toad stuff silly. I want to have a good time, not end up 6 feet under!”
And with these famous final words the magic potion showed her magnificent face.
“Let’s drink together.”
“How are we going to do that Mr.?! There is only one bowl.”
“We can put the bowl on the ground and we will both drink on our knees from it.”
This made Sarah give out one of her lovable chuckles with made Yohan all the more realize the specialness of this moment.
After the dog-like drinking ritual, the two friends had an hour to wait. Having been instructed by grandma to not exert any effort during the period, they lay down besides one another, looking at the cave ceiling, feeling the warmth of fire on their youthful bodies.
Apparently, as Scarlet had patiently explained, this particular sacred tree bark, which was one of the hidden secrets of mother earth, gave each person exactly what they needed at that point in space and time.
This means, the mystical tree bark, scanned the being of those who dared to drink from it for about one hour, before deciding what to administer to the adventurous souls who had awakened her from her slumber.
The key was, during this waiting period, to not sway the bark in either direction. If you did, the all-knowing bark would deceitfully give you something else, sometimes causing serious permanent damage to the partaker’s psyche.
“I love you, Sarah.”
Turning towards him, Sarah looked at the fresh prince with the beauty of a clear starry sky, being viewed laying down on a field on a cool summer evening.
“I love you too, Yohan.”
As they lay there waiting, Yohan’s right hand grasped Sarah’s left hand.
The sound of crackling of twigs, stomping and heavy breathing, caught the attention of the two lovers.
Immediately, like a dark seed which has been planted, the sprout of fear could visibly be sensed in the air. The sudden vibration of terror made Sarah and Yohan sit up listening attentively.
“What’s that Yohan?!” Sarah exclaimed hugging Yohan as hard as she could in fear.
“We have to RUN!”
“No Sarah stop! If we run, they will run after us. They are extremely fast. We need to stand our ground.” Yohan was whispering, as the sound of footsteps drew closer like a listening stalker.
“But we are in their territory and they know it; there is no point in a territorial display.” Said Sarah with a trembling voice.
“She is right…” thought Yohan.
Yohan tried to do what the sage grandmother had thought him:
“When face to face with deep darkness and there is no way out, be spontaneous and choose the path that takes the least amount of effort.”
“Dear God, the creator of all heaven and earth, if you deliver me from these bears, I vow to sacrifice my life for you and for your name. Please God HELP ME!!!” Prayed Yohan screaming the last two words.
Sarah, who now had a shocked and traumatized look on her face, stared at Yohan’s beautiful face from the side, with mouth slightly open, this precious childess of the Light was trying to ascertain the situation.
Now the sprouted seed of fear had grown and blossoms of rage were coming forth. The threatened bear mother and her 4 cubs started to run towards the two.
The cave, the fire, the feeling of skin touching Sarah’s hands, the brown cloth under his feet and now the running and emerged bears all started to slow down for Yohan. His mind was crystal clear, face to face with inevitable horror of being gored to death, he sensed this terror-inducing moment like a perverted spear penetrating his heart.
In the moment of deep youthful joy, when he expected a silly adventurous day with his love, and later on head on grandmother’s lap having a long conversation about it, the predator called nightmare had found him.
In slow motion he watched as the furious bear mother, slightly limping, but still moving powerfully forward to crush, lunged towards Sarah.
This word blossomed and bloomed and flew out and source from within him. His whole conscious existence could only think and feel this word as the bears, that is the malevolently scornful violent mother and her 4 satanic cubs, approached Sarah.
Unknown to Yohan, this mama bear had tasted the kindness of his own kind, being penetrated with hate and sickness at the hands of men.
The bear and her 7 cubs were taken prisoner by a local cult. This cult, who considered the great Scarlet their mortal enemy, was a sadist bear-sacrificing abomination.
Their ritual included first penetration and bestiality by all 12 of the leaders, followed by torturing and sacrifice of the cubs in front of the mother.
Once the bear was good and ready, after a thousand-cut slow torture, they would stretch the screaming bear out slowly over a 6 hour period, feeding themselves on her pain, which gave them power which they lusted after.
Unlucky for them and lucky for the tortured and corrupted and defecated bear, one of the dull new cult recruits had not put together the stretching machine properly. After the second hour, with one limb only dislocated, the bear was able to cut loose while the cult was having their peaceful afternoon nap, in preparation for the night of festivities.
This had resulted in 4 children, 6 elders and 8 new recruits to be torn from limb to limb.
The screaming hate-penetrated mother, like a sadist serial killer who has finally cast off all restraint, went from tent to tent ripping and tearing before breaking the wooden cell to free her 4 remaining cubs.
All 5, having turned to sons and daughters of hell, felt a spiteful, scornful and hostile disgust of humankind, and rightly so.
The above incident had also resulted in increase of other bear attacks of this nature in the surrounding villages. This seed of torture and hate grew like a twisting and filthy vine on the walls of the world around them.
The previously lovely mama and her cute cubs, turned into monsters by rape and murder, all jumped forward towards Sarah like the tongue of the Python sticking out towards the prey.
The powerful muscles of the mama bear exerted the maximum energy, tightening with the strength of a thousand oxen, as she stretched her right paw towards Sarah’s breathtakingly gorgeous face.
In slow motion, the hero Yohan, in complete horror and unable to move or do anything other than the echoing “No, No, No…” in his soul, watched with a vomit-inducing anticipation.
As the paw came closer to Sarah’s face, he saw the 4 cubs, two of which had ran behind them, also jump towards her from north, south, east and west.
At this point the “No” stopped and everything seemed silent. The bears did not move; stilled in the air, Sarah’s look of horror and her brown hair which was blown back by the massive mass of body of the raped mama, floated perfectly and unmoving.
“Crackle, crackle, crackle…”
His ears attuned to the sound of the crackling of the gentle bon-fire. A few moments of calm permeated the air.
In these moments Yohan felt a powerful presence from the universe. He sensed not only a heart of compassion but also the presence of an all-knowing and benevolent being, staring at him in kindness with the eyes of the cave and the forest and the sky and the stars and the countless ever-expanding galaxies.
The spear of trauma was ready, the blood-soaked hammer was about to crush, and just before the inevitable incoming pain, the creator of all, planted a gentle seed in the heart of this delightful prince, which was to sprout, blossom and bloom in due time.
Slowly after the few moments of peace, Anxiety, like a sick swarm of locusts started to permeate the air. Now breathing heavily, Yohan saw the universe speed up and the mama finish her forward motion.
As Yohan’s being witnessed in horror with these words, the right paw of the enraped mama, with a torturous motion, ripped Sarah’s left eye and a chunk of her ear and mouth off, splattering blood at lightning speed on his face.
A violent explosion of screams erupted from the young girl as the 4 cubs reached her body, dragging her down like the net of the sadistic bear-cult.
The mama bear jumping up and down, trampled her under foot as the cubs mercilessly and relentlessly kept biting off chunks of the screaming Sarah’s flesh.
Finally, the mother’s right foot crushed Sarah’s mangled body’s head.
Now beside Yohan lay the love of his life, gone like a trampled Jasmine in a few minutes; he gazed at her crushed head, with brain splatter and the one eyeball rolling towards him.
There was no “No” in his being. The “No”, an unnecessary effort, had given way to a deep frozen-state. Like the coldest freezing arctic climate, this deadened chill took over, chaining him to the present moment, with nothing but perfect awareness.
The rolling eyeball of Sarah was the last thing poor Yohan remembered before his world went perfectly black.
Following his blackout, the bears who were perfectly fed, decided to leave the gored Sarah and the unconscious Yohan for a while. Since the bear was only looking to inflict pain, she had no interest in the painless killing of Yohan as he lay motionless on the floor.
Lucky for Yohan and unlucky for the two children, the serial killer bear had a blow up of rage earlier in the village, killing two of the children, which resulted in a hunting party, spear-headed by the extremely concerned grandma scarlet.
Months had passed since the goring incident. Scarlet, every day as faithful as the sun rises, brooded over our young traumatized prince, patiently applying love, kindness and compassion.
The still handsome but now scarred Yohan could think of two things only, Sarah’s eyeball and his promise.
Finally, having given up on life, forever scarred with the transferred sexual abuse of the bear and her tortured soul’s penetrating hate, Yohan decided to join a nearby monastery and fulfill his vows to the creator.
“Good morning brother Matthew!”
Yohan replied, sitting on the edge of his bed. Matthew, a chubby and good-natured, but extremely performance oriented upcoming father in the monastery, had been his roommate for 1 year.
He liked Matthew, but he could not help but sense a fakeness, as though what he manifested to the outside world was not how he truly felt inside.
This is something Yohan was contemplating as of late. More and more, as the months went by, under the iron grasp of masses and confessions and schedules and services and chores, he was finding it hard to express the sleeping lion hidden deep within his heart.
And this lack of release, was starting to morph him into Neu-Matthew.
“I might be looking down on him but I am not too far behind…”
Taking out his journal he wrote down the nightmarish vision he had last night. Yohan was quick to write these even within the law-infested walls of the monastery, as Scarla (Grandma and Scarlet made simple by him and the now 1 eye-balled Sarah) had taught him:
“Don’t let your dreams go by without listening and pondering…”
The dying decrepit grey witch-whore pointed her spiderleg-esque trembling fingers towards the window; the red and black moon and the starless sky, stared back at the abominable smoldering wick as she prepared her soul to enter restlessly into eternal damnation; for the cannibalistic-guru, the sickening frozen stiff life of hording flesh and blood of the cool and the innocent, and her legacy of abuse, was the final blanket the ruthless universe pulled over her horror-infested eyes.
“No… this…cannot…be…” Like a faint sliver of smoke rising up from a putrid dungeon, the broken whore’s voice spoke, taking its time.
“Oh yes!” The universe replied with luminous eyes.
“It is and will be and shall be THUS for you, old whore, for all eternity…”
Yohan, as Matthew stepped out of the room, sat cross-legged on the ground after his morning prayer, which he had secretly modified into a spontaneous and genuine heartfelt flow of honestly instead of the repetitive word he had been instructed to speak; he closed his eyes and in a meditative restful calm, pondered on the meaning of the dream.
“The whore is related to me somehow. What if Scarla is sick and dying? But she is not a witch, is she? She is the most filled-with-life person I know…”
A sudden tsunami of panic made him realize the severe warning he had received.
“My heart! The old witch is my dying heart. My heart is dying in this place! Taking my time, day after day, following the pack in lifeless motion, my heart is passing away under the oppression of man-made traditions; I am murdering the very spark of divine life within me; I am no longer allowed to run wild, no more adventures under the sun or mistakes and imperfections; all is performance and all is as has been and will be and shall be for centuries to come. Within this suffocating infernal-dungeon, white-washed and castle-tombed in appearance, my heart is lying sickly and old…
But is that not the vow I made to YHWH on that day? I vowed to surrender my life to Him. Is not YHWH, who is that He is, the life-giving spirit that birthed the whole earth? And Yahshua His Son, was He not claiming to give rivers of living water blossoming forth from within, abundant and joyful, stretching up to eternal life.”
Yohan who had been practicing being very self-controlled quickly ended his contemplation. He had been praying about this problem to God for a couple of months now and he sensed a secret key and a hint of direction hidden within the warning nightmare.
Stepping outside his room, walking alongside cobbled pathways and grey stone walls, he greeted, with a forced smile, a few brothers and fathers passing by
Morning prayer gathering, consisted of sitting on a pew while the preacher read words from a book; the pew-warmers also had their own book instructing them when to reply, when to rise and when to be silent (which was the majority of the time.)
“Blessed Lord, you are our redeemer!”
“We serve you forever my Lord!”
“I and my brothers are one as You and the Father were one.”
“Today I shall lay down my life, sacrificing it for the good of the Kingdom.”
After the 45-minute drudgery, Yohan got up for the morning meal. He had relaxed his smile a bit which caused some unnecessary attention. He looked like he was not doing well. This is the term they used for all who dared to question the narrative being shoved down their throat.
Zombie-like, the bored Yohan dragged himself to do his chores. Around 10Am, he had about 2 hours to himself to study or go for a walk.
“Oh no! Please not today man, I don’t have energy for performance…”
“Hi Matthew, hey listen I…”
Matthew jovially interrupted Yohan.
“Do you want to go preaching the gospel together for a couple of hours?!”
“This is going to be a worse trip than the bear cave; it will be more exciting for me to get quartered in an overly-dragged medieval ceremony…”
“Sure man, one cannot simply say no to preaching the gospel.”
The smile of Matthew was truly something to behold. Not even Isaac Newton exerted this much mental energy to come up with his apple theory, than this deceived vegetable-boy trying to smile. All around his eyes and cheeks and surrounding his mouth muscles could be seen, in extreme stress, with laser beam-like eyes trying to give an appearance of warmth and love.
“I would be warmer swimming in an arctic pond Matthew…” Thought the miserable Yohan.
Our brilliant Yohan had now started to relax his performance, and the little starving dungeon-dwelling child within him started to come out and play.
This affect would periodically, and lately more often, happen to our quarter-wishing medieval-desiring hero. As the proverb goes “without vision people cast off restraint,” and the only vision he had here was the 2 hours he could roam around freely; now that was ruined by this iron-faced two-faced well-meaning thorn in the flesh.
“Let’s go Matthew!!”
Said Yohan with an overly loud and nervous voice while patting Matthew on the back, which resulted in the young man appearing extremely out of place and a couple of disapproving looks by a few older fathers who were passing by.
“I have disturbed the tranquility of the Father, oh no…” Thought Yohan pessimistically.
When he would get in this mood, he would try to provoke those around him. This of course, was the result of long exposure to extreme pew-sitting and hum-drum vegetable-like lifeless scheduled existence.
Time in the monastery was divided into 30 minute increments; there was never a lazy Sunday in which you can let go and have a faulty and relaxed day under God’s sky. It was as though, the God in this place was out to milk out His devotees, robbing them out of every second of their lives, without giving anything back in return.
But this was not what concerned Yohan. What baffled this inquisitive being was the contradiction he saw between the life God created through nature and the life here. Out there, there was so much to enjoy and play with, as he was accustomed to while he was under the wonderful anointing of Scarla, the wise sage guardian he adored.
The impressive atomic power smile of Matthew did not last of course, by the time they reached the dusty main road going through the village, the now mischievous Yohan had figured out that the smile was at approximately 90% efficiency.
“Hey Matthew, maybe we can preach the gospel to some girls in the market today? Who knows maybe we get lucky!”
“Our Father desires all men to be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth.” Matthew responded mechanically, before realizing a hint of sarcasm in Yohan’s voice.
“And what exactly is the truth God wants us to realize?” Said Yohan in a provocative tone.
Let us not underestimate the poor Matthew ladies and gentleman. He was a good man, with a wonderful heart who wanted to love and serve, but unfortunately he was extremely perfectionist and performance oriented. In his own faulty way, he was trying to be the best version of himself that he could be. In addition to the well-intentioned heart, he also was a master of the scriptures, always using a proverb or some kind of verse to respond to most questions.
“He wants us to realize that there is no one righteous, not even one and that all fall short of the glory of God, and through repentance we can find salvation.”
“Fair enough Matthew, but does that not seem a bit extreme to you? For example, that poor farmer lady you and I pestered for 1.5 hours and pounded with the gospel last week, just working hard and taking care of her family, because she does not say she believes in Yahshua, is she going to hell? Does it not say that “God is Love”? How could such a loving God, who created the beautiful forest we just walked through, who is so open, spontaneous and freedom-loving, have such a fault-finding way of looking at His own creation? “
This was way better answer than Matthew expected.
“He is sharp this fella!” He thought as he lowered the smile-knob to 70% power.
So off they went to the market. Unfortunately for our two plucky heroes, the market happened to be hosting a sort of fisherman’s gathering, filled with fish stalls, the putrid stank of which could be sensed hundreds of yards away in each direction.
“Great idea coming here Yohan. I am sure the combination of our brown monastery robes and the stink of fish is going to melt the heart of even the most hardened adulteress who has given herself over to the spirit of Jezebel.”
Yohan could not help but laugh at this witty remark by the forever-smiling monk.
“That is actually kind of brilliant!” he thought, “I am underestimating him.”
This single interaction sent a pulsating vibration of playfulness through the two gospel-preaching monks.
Even Matthew’s smile, still at 70%, had a warmth and genuineness added to it. This made Yohan realize something; the life he missed from before, spending his days goofing around with Sarah and Scarla, was not, as he had previously thought, because of being free and living near the forest.
The spark of life he experienced previously was because of open and performance-free communication with those around him.
“I am starving to be open; this Matthew could be more helpful than I previously thought.”
“Hey Matthew! Tell me about yourself, how was your childhood, what brought you here?”
Matthew Donovan, son of an alcoholic wife-beating carpenter, had chosen to become a monk, because since his early teenage years God was the most comforting presence in his life.
Being cornered by the gauntlet of a ruthless abusive home, he spent years seeking God and trying to find a way out of his predicament. The catalyst of change was meeting two monks and Matthew was quick to go through the open door of salvation to escape his hellish home.
What Yohan did not know or even suspected in his wildest dreams, was that Matthew thought about leaving the monastery often, this had resulted in him using more force trying to hide this embarrassing secret.
“My dad is a carpenter, I met 2 monks when I was 16…”
“Nice and thorough explanation of your upbringing Matthew; not even all the quills in the monastery would be enough to write the biography of 12 volumes I will be able to put together!”
Matthew let down the fake appearance and a warm sun-like smile came to his face; patting his friend on the back he thought, “I like you Yohan.”
“His mask slipped; he is suffering!” Yohan was astonished. He had greatly underestimated this dear man living besides him.
Here he was praying to God and seeking answers, yet he had forgotten that God usually works through people.
“I like you Matthew!” Said Yohan while cheekily pushing Matthew with a friendly shoulder push.
“I should have told him that I like him before, I need to stop doing this, when I have something in my heart, I need to just do it. It’s just this damn monastery, it is killing my spirit. How could such oppression be a manifestation of the life of God? Did not Yahshua say whatever the Father does, I also do? Looking at the heavens and the earth and all the swarm of free and colorful beings, we see an anti-oppressive, individuality and freedom-loving creator, who seeks to be worshipped on altars not corrupted with man-cut stones…”
By the time they escaped from the fish-dominated market, they had both relaxed their performance and were just flowing along, each comfortable in their own world.
Transformed by the spark of life that lit up their hearts and blossomed and bloomed in and around them like pretty yellow and white mayday tree flowers, Matthew and Yohan, heart in heart, let go of all their rules and performance and the right and wrong of what they had to do, and started to flow around the village, playfully, spontaneously and freely, as was in their heart to do, and as was in God’s heart for them; once again the traumatized prince, tasted the freedom and kindness of God, as in the days of old, under the anointing of sagess Scarla and besides the breathtaking Sarah, enjoying the bustling village and the nature all around; free as a bird, our two heroes drank in the love that God, Yahshua and the universe had for them deeply.
The little spark of spontaneous life that had gone off between them, made them feel loved and secure for a short time. They decided to skip the forced preaching and leave the poor farmers alone, better to not know such angry and vengeful God loves you anyway, than to be bothered as you are working hard with the sweat of your brows, thinking that the angry unappeasable God is out to get you.
As they finished their long way through the woods back to the monastery, the same suffocating, steely and dead presence started to be sensed by the two boys.
“I don’t want to go back!!”
Yohan stopped and listened with an excited astonishment to Matthew.
“I hate it there; it is dead and lifeless. God does not live in such a place. There was more life in the last 2 hours walking about with you than I experienced there for many months. I do not want to serve the God this place is preaching, not even for one more minute.
God is love and He loves people, even the ones who have not heard about Yahshua or ones more comfortable following their own path.
You know Yohan, I have been thinking, we really should go back and apologize to that hardworking farmer. God loves her and cares for her; she is good enough for God. This perfectionist gospel we go around forcing down people’s throat just seems off.
Yahshua said that the wind blows wherever it wishes and you do not know where it is coming from and where it is going, and so does anyone born of the spirit.
That is talking about the Breath of Life and being spontaneous, having a flow and being free, offering God fresh living water or as Yahshua said worshipping God in spirit and truth, not in a principle-infested rat race, and a routine lifestyle in which no one but the top of the pyramid can freely speak.
I am tired of being perfect, I am tired of lying to myself and I am tired of performance. I would rather be poor and homeless, perhaps even working for a hard-working farmer than to continue in such a life.
I want to be free and I want to express my love for the wonderful creator in my own individual way. This is what I believe it means when God says:
“Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit.”
That spirit is the spark and flame of life in each of us, and you know Yohan, I see that spark in you, and today, I felt this spark set my heart on fire.”
Yohan’s heart and soul were shattered by the genuineness of the truthful Matthew, and the prophetic words he had spoken to his heart.
He knew the truth now, and the truth had set him free.
By Ashkan Jafarpisheh – June 2020